dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
