I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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