Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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