I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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