I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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