i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
