i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
