Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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