i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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