and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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