Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
