She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
