Texts From Last Night

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  (310): View more from California

  i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret

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  (310): i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret http://tfl.nu/lkw1
  Replies (3) Good night (654) Bad night (1575)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?

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  (313): So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life? http://tfl.nu/8qm6
  Replies (37) Good night (5037) Bad night (1321)
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  (914): View more from New York

  is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?

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  (914): is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville? http://tfl.nu/0twm
  Replies (44) Good night (1583) Bad night (5689)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him

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  (215): some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him http://tfl.nu/gsvg
  Replies (7) Good night (6100) Bad night (858)
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.

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  (260): I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay. http://tfl.nu/s74r
  Replies (27) Good night (1588) Bad night (4147)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard

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  (603): You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard http://tfl.nu/mdqr
  Replies (12) Good night (1279) Bad night (4298)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits

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  (913): My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits http://tfl.nu/sxpe
  Replies (7) Good night (1766) Bad night (644)
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  (408): View more from California

  I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.

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  (408): I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident. http://tfl.nu/gd86
  Replies (6) Good night (2141) Bad night (670)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.

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  (970): Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby. http://tfl.nu/d4tv
  Replies (2) Good night (1297) Bad night (482)
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in

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  (312): I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in http://tfl.nu/almk
  Replies (7) Good night (546) Bad night (343)
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  (209): View more from California

  ... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.

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  (209): ... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday. http://tfl.nu/pw31
  Replies (0) Good night (309) Bad night (603)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were

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  (919): Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were http://tfl.nu/t156
  Replies (1) Good night (324) Bad night (542)
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.

  (1-337): View more from Louisiana

  How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.

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  (337): Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM. (1-337): How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse. http://tfl.nu/m0tv
  Replies (6) Good night (672) Bad night (432)
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell

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  (306): I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell http://tfl.nu/ue80
  Replies (8) Good night (725) Bad night (287)
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.

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  (563): I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is. http://tfl.nu/vvi6
  Replies (9) Good night (552) Bad night (380)

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