If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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