hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
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miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.