my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
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I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
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i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.