Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was