He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
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Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
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You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.