You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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