if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
