if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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