I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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