you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
