Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
i think im in europe. pls send help
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
