I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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