You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
