i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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