I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He better not be in your backpack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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