with your own penis?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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