You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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