I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
