remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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