im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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