I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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