you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
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