Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
