If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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