I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize
