Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
