I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
