So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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