rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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