piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
