haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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