tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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