white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
