I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?