K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem