This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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