his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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