today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just found a bag of teeth...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
