Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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