from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
