I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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