I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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