someone threw a dead crab at me
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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