got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
