If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
